A Fugitive of Injustice

Childhood Trauma

Mental health is something which attacks almost every one of us in our lifetime. It could come during childhood, adolescence, or most commonly, in adulthood. Mental health issues, if not treated properly, could lead to a host of dangerous outcomes, including suicide.

Having grown up and lived in Lebanon for 25 years, I experienced a lot of bullying . This resulted from the fact that I acted feminine, which made it obvious that I am gay. Specifically in school, boys used to always compare my actions and behavior to girls, which destroyed my self-confidence, gave me anxiety, and started leading me on a path to depression.

What people do not know, especially students, is that bullying at this age is harmful and traumatic to the victim; trauma that will stick around until the end of the victim’s life. But at this age, teenagers do not realize the consequences of bullying, and thus they tend to do it because they want to prove their existence and masculinity.

An Unjust Crime

Apart from being bullied and treated the way I was, another thing which affected my mental health was getting arrested by the police after being caught at a discreet gay sauna in Beirut. It was a huge "Turkish bath" as advertised, where only men would go there and partake in discreet, consensual sexual activity. Unfortunately, the police decided to raid the place just on the night I was there. I was arrested and kept in custody for six days in a small jail with 27 other guys and was later exposed as gay to my whole family and friends.

Police stations in Lebanon are nothing compared to European jails: they lack the most facilities and human rights tend to disappear there. We used to beg the officers to bring us water or allow us to use the toilet; the cabin we were arrested in was more like an office and had no toilet . They even searched our mobile phones, private pictures, and chats, trying to find something that relates to our sexuality. I was so scared and weak at that time; I did not know what my rights were and thus could not defend myself from whatever accusation they would throw at me. 

After a few days it was time for investigation. At that stage, I felt like I was a real criminal, and that it is time for me now to tell my story of how I killed someone or stole a huge amount of money. My only crime was going to a Turkish bathhouse. I went inside the room, my legs shaking, and sat on the chair while the investigator started writing without asking me any questions.

It turned out later that he was copying what was written on someone else’s investigation paper. He asked me some questions and then ordered me to sign and agree to everything that was written, without offering me the chance to read it. Of course, my fear did not allow me to stand up for myself, so I signed whatever was written and left the investigation room. 

On the next day, my parents hired a lawyer, as they could not handle the scandal that their son is being arrested because he is gay. The lawyer managed to pay a guarantee and get me out of jail while we waited for the court decision to see what what the punishment would be.

Luckily, the court session kept being postponed, even until today, thus allowing me more time to think what my next steps would be in getting over the traumatic experience I faced.

To a more Humane Place

As years went by, I took the decision to escape and start a new life in The Netherlands. I did not know that the trauma would carry on haunting me. I had to learn how to get over it myself. After I came to The Netherlands, I discovered that I developed strong anxieties related to past situations, as well as agoraphobia which was related to being arrested and kept in a small space and surrounded by several strangers.

I started therapy along with medication, and now I am on the right track to get over my fears and anxiety and get on with my life to be where I want to be.

Reflections and Moving Forward

Unfortunately, mental health is still somewhat taboo in the Middle East. If you tell someone that you are seeing a psychologist, they might think you are crazy. What they fail to understand is: our minds, just like our bodies, get sick and need the necessary treatment. It is especially important that we raise awareness more in the Middle East about mental health, especially in regard to the LGBT community.

We need to show what the bullying, the stigma, and the marginalization result in, because the earlier we begin to address the issue, the easier it is to resolve. I do not regret having faced all those obstacles in the past, because today I am stronger than ever, fighting for my freedom and getting over past situations as I grow. As they say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger”.